The warmth, the freshness, the rich blend of Columbian coffee permeated my nose, infiltrating ever more deeply through nose hairs, each of which bristling with delight at the robust flavor which washed into my nostrils past my nasal cavity, into every orifice of my being, from my hair follicles to my ear drums, as I could almost hear the satisfaction of fresh coffee bean, my eyes devouring each savory swallow of coffee, all of which was the result of falling asleep, face-first, into my mug, as Juan Valdez had most assuredly willed it.
Soon I was snorting and choking with glee. "With glee," you ask? Yes, with glee. And once again my nose hairs were bristling with delight. But this time, the thrill seemed to travel from my nose hairs through every nerve in my body and out my neck, back, and leg hairs. I giggled with gaiety, "Tee hee hee." I sipped a mouthful of heavenly coffee and then danced out of my cubicle into the hallway spraying coffee into the air and giddily spilling from my "cup of joe" with each step.
"What in the world is wrong with you, Chartreusia??!!" my boss said.
"Juan Valdez has willed it!" I cried, shimmying with steaming, flavorful warmth and freshness, and twirling, twirling, twirling into Columbian blend heaven. "Juan Valdez has brought me the gift of coffee, that I can imbibe and allow to permeate my entire body! You can't possibly understand the joy or the freshness of its robust flavor!"
"You're fired, you freaking psycho!"
I twirled out the door, splashing the rich full flavor of coffee on co-workers and children waiting in the lobby alike.
When I hit the street, I headed straight for the nearest starbucks. In a caffeine-induced frenzy, I burst through the door, grabbed a 12 pound bag of colombian blend and and grabbed the nearest straw. ‘Hey!’ called one of the employees in what seemed to be a drunken stupor. ‘you realize you have to pay for that, right?’ ‘oh yeah’, I assured him giddilly as I tore open the bag and began rapturously snorting the finely ground coffee through my straw and into my eagerly awaiting nostrils. ‘Hey!' I called to the employee, a thick cloud of delicious coffee powder spewing from my nose and mouth. ‘can I get a spoon?’ I couldn’t get enough. ‘nevermind’ I called, as I ecstatically began shoveling mouthfuls of columbian coffee into my mouth.
When I hit the street, I headed straight for the nearest starbucks. In a caffeine-induced frenzy, I burst through the door, grabbed a 12 pound bag of colombian blend and and grabbed the nearest straw. ‘Hey!’ called one of the employees in what seemed to be a drunken stupor. ‘you realize you have to pay for that, right?’ ‘oh yeah’, I assured him giddilly as I tore open the bag and began rapturously snorting the finely ground coffee through my straw and into my eagerly awaiting nostrils. ‘Hey!' I called to the employee, a thick cloud of delicious coffee powder spewing from my nose and mouth. ‘can I get a spoon?’ I couldn’t get enough. ‘nevermind’ I called, as I ecstatically began shoveling mouthfuls of columbian coffee into my mouth.
"COFFEE, COFFEE, COFFEE!!! I LOVE COFFEE!!!" I licked, chewed, and snorted the finely ground mounds of rich blackness as I bathed in Columbian heaven, coughing and wheezing with delectation.
In my joyous coffee frenzy, I began rubbing the rich, aromatic Colombian blend all over my body, rapturously writhing in coffee ecstasy. Then I dived face-first into the rich robust black mountain of coffee I’d made on the floor and began rolling and flailing with bliss in my newly created meadow of glorious fragrant coffee. I then began making ‘coffee angels’ in the delicious freshly ground Colombian roast as I blew plumes of coffee dust into the air, giggling with rapture as a mist of pulverized black happiness rained back down on me. ‘This must be what heaven is like!’ I thought blissfully.. or did I say that out loud? No matter. Suddenly, I was struck with a gleaming flash of inspiration! I could buy coffee by 50 lb bags and fill my bathtub with it; making a thick, heavenly paste in which to bask! And as a bonus…. I jumped up and ran to the checkout line. ‘I want to buy all the fresh-ground coffee you have!’ It came to $8,532.12 which I charged to my credit card. I couldn’t carry it all, so, thinking quickly, I ran outside where I spotted a hobo pushing a shopping cart. I immediately ran to him, leaving puffs of coffee powder in the air with each step, and overturned his cart. He began to protest loudly and drunkenly but I assured him that it was for a very good cause. With my newly acquired shopping cart, I rushed back to my coffee treasure and loaded it into the cart. Blissfully, I pushed the cart full of rich, robust Colombian blend down the street toward my car as the lopsided cart made a loud yet somehow musical bumpity-scrape, bumpity-scrape sound all the way. I loaded my ‘black gold’ into the trunk of my Prius , still creating aromatic puffs of coffee with every step.. not unlike Pigpen from Charlie Brown.. only rich and aromatic instead of just dirty…. Then I jumped into my car and sped home. This time, instead of pulling into my usual parking spot, I backed through the gate to the swimming pool, popped the trunk of my car and began dumping one bag after another into the swimming pool! Yes! I was going to turn the swimming pool into a gigantic espresso!! Unfortunately, there were other tenants swimming in the pool at the time and initially they didn’t appreciate the grandeur of my actions. ‘You’ll thank me for this later!’ I assured them as I resisted the urge to jump in immediately before I even had a chance to finish my wondrous work. Juan Valdez will be so very proud!
Just then, to my amazement, Juan Valdez appeared to me in a vision.
"Chartreusia, you have not done robustly before me! You have mixed rich Columbian blend with water unworthy of even cheap coffee! That much chlorine and quite likely, human urine, will ruin the satisfaction! The permeation of this act angers me!" He was before me surrounded by a warm, glowing, golden light, coming apparently from a celestial kitchen window, with a family sitting around a kitchen table, drinking steamy, rich, aromatic coffee.
"Juan Valdez! Forgive your unworthy servant of my lack of robust behavior!"
"You are forgiven. Continue on the path of robust flavor and steamy, warm Columbian blend! Do not again mix coffee with swimming pool water!"
Then the Robust One disappeared in a cloud of steam and I came again to my senses. I stopped myself in the midst of pouring a fifth bag into the unworthy pool. I embraced the blessed bag of freshly ground Colombian richness, ashamed that I had desecrated the sacred beverage of Juan Valdez. I reverently placed the bag back in the trunk with the remaining seventeen bags of rich, robust deliciousness. I then turned to the other tenants in the pool. “Enjoy the fresh, rich, aromatic blend of Colombian flavorfulness, with regards from myself and blessings from Juan Valdez!” Then sheepishly, I got back into my car, drove around and backed into my usual parking spot. Then, ever so contritely, I carried my sacred treasure into my apartment and laid them on the kitchen counter, one after another, in a magnificent mound of rich robustness, like an offering on an altar to robust richness. I knew I had not acted robustly before Juan Valdez and needed to atone for my robustlessness. “Juan Valdez!!” I cried out. “Guide me, oh Robust One!” The room started to shake.. or so I thought. It was just the neighbor pounding on the wall again.
I needed time to think, so I scooped a cup of rich robust colombian blend from the open bag, grabbed a spoon and sat down to enjoy the richness as I pondered my next course of action. My robustlessness would have to be atoned for... but how?
As I sat, chewing the flavorful goodness of rich, freshly ground Colombian roast, it suddenly came to me. "Ah HA!!' I cried, rich robust colombian coffee forming a magnificent cloud of flavorful-ness in the air before me. I took one of the 50 lb bags of fresh rich colombian roast, poured as much as would fit into a large mixing bowl and began mixing it with Evian water.. surely the Robust One would be pleased! I added just enough of the ridiculously expensive spring water to make a thick paste; and then I began to build a sculpture of Juan Valdez himself!
I finally finished my sculpture, certain the Robust one would be pleased with my offering. Then I went to work brewing 43 gallons of rich, robust Colombian blend and filled my gigantic whirlpool bathtub with rich, steaming espresso. Once it was filled, I settled into my espresso bath so it could permeate every orifice of my being. I sank into the tub till the warm, fresh rich, robust beverage closed over my head. I blew joyful bubbles into my espresso bath as the richness permeated every fiber of my being; soaking through my pores, reverberating through my ears. The world turned a rich, robust shade of brown as I opened my eyes to take in the magesty of Colombian espresso. I swallowed one gulp after another, but it still wasn't enough, then I inhaled deeply, allowing the fresh, warm, rich blend of Colombian roast to fill my very being, permeating my nose, washing past my nose hairs, which again bristled with delight at the flavorful robustness and filling my lungs... That was the last thing I remembered before waking up in the intensive care unit, dyed a warm, fresh, rich shade of coffee brown and smelling very much like a thick, rich cup of colombian espresso... awesome... so very very awesome. I found the nurse call button and pushed it to summon assistance. Shortly, two nurses and a doctor were at my side. "You had a pretty close call there." the doctor smiled down at me as she placed an ice-cold stethescope on my chest. "You're lucky your neighbor found you or you woulda been a goner." 'My neighbor?' I thought. 'What neighbor..?' Then I remembered. I had turned up the Colombian folk music to 85 decibels to drown out my neighbor's pounding on the wall. He must have broken down the door to beat the crap out of me and found me in the tub. I'll have to send him a bag of Colombian blend to thank him. "Hey" I gurgled through my espresso-filled lungs. "Where can I get a cup of coffee?"
"Wanna hear about my near-death experience?" I asked?
"Uh... sure."
"I felt the rich, warm unconditional robustness of The Robust One! As I flew, arms flailing, through the aromatic tunnel, I saw in the distance a kitchen window of golden celestial light."
"Wow, that's awesome."
"I crashed through the kitchen window and onto the table, startling a clearly deceased family each enjoying rich Columbian blend. The father said serenely, 'Juan Valdez awaits you.' and gestured toward a cloud of steam that gradually transformed into Juan Valdez."
"I would like for you to speak to one of our special doctors. I think he might be very interested in your story." he left before I could finish the rest.
"...So you see, Dr. that's how I started the Church of Juan Valdez, but I don't expect you to believe my story. Everyone must find out in his own way whether this church is the most robust of all churches."
Now what? Where are we? what's happening? Who's there? Fill it in with your own writing!
The chattering hum of the people sounded in the background, while she sipped the warm cup of coffee.
ReplyDeleteThe warmth, the freshness, the rich blend of Columbian coffee permeated my nose, infiltrating ever more deeply through nose hairs, each of which bristling with delight at the robust flavor which washed into my nostrils past my nasal cavity, into every orifice of my being, from my hair follicles to my ear drums, as I could almost hear the satisfaction of fresh coffee bean, my eyes devouring each savory swallow of coffee, all of which was the result of falling asleep, face-first, into my mug, as Juan Valdez had most assuredly willed it.
ReplyDeleteSoon I was snorting and choking with glee. "With glee," you ask? Yes, with glee. And once again my nose hairs were bristling with delight. But this time, the thrill seemed to travel from my nose hairs through every nerve in my body and out my neck, back, and leg hairs. I giggled with gaiety, "Tee hee hee." I sipped a mouthful of heavenly coffee and then danced out of my cubicle into the hallway spraying coffee into the air and giddily spilling from my "cup of joe" with each step.
ReplyDelete"What in the world is wrong with you, Chartreusia??!!" my boss said.
ReplyDelete"Juan Valdez has willed it!" I cried, shimmying with steaming, flavorful warmth and freshness, and twirling, twirling, twirling into Columbian blend heaven. "Juan Valdez has brought me the gift of coffee, that I can imbibe and allow to permeate my entire body! You can't possibly understand the joy or the freshness of its robust flavor!"
"You're fired, you freaking psycho!"
I twirled out the door, splashing the rich full flavor of coffee on co-workers and children waiting in the lobby alike.
When I hit the street, I headed straight for the nearest starbucks. In a caffeine-induced frenzy, I burst through the door, grabbed a 12 pound bag of colombian blend and and grabbed the nearest straw.
ReplyDelete‘Hey!’ called one of the employees in what seemed to be a drunken stupor. ‘you realize you have to pay for that, right?’
‘oh yeah’, I assured him giddilly as I tore open the bag and began rapturously snorting the finely ground coffee through my straw and into my eagerly awaiting nostrils. ‘Hey!' I called to the employee, a thick cloud of delicious coffee powder spewing from my nose and mouth. ‘can I get a spoon?’ I couldn’t get enough. ‘nevermind’ I called, as I ecstatically began shoveling mouthfuls of columbian coffee into my mouth.
When I hit the street, I headed straight for the nearest starbucks. In a caffeine-induced frenzy, I burst through the door, grabbed a 12 pound bag of colombian blend and and grabbed the nearest straw.
ReplyDelete‘Hey!’ called one of the employees in what seemed to be a drunken stupor. ‘you realize you have to pay for that, right?’
‘oh yeah’, I assured him giddilly as I tore open the bag and began rapturously snorting the finely ground coffee through my straw and into my eagerly awaiting nostrils. ‘Hey!' I called to the employee, a thick cloud of delicious coffee powder spewing from my nose and mouth. ‘can I get a spoon?’ I couldn’t get enough. ‘nevermind’ I called, as I ecstatically began shoveling mouthfuls of columbian coffee into my mouth.
"COFFEE, COFFEE, COFFEE!!! I LOVE COFFEE!!!" I licked, chewed, and snorted the finely ground mounds of rich blackness as I bathed in Columbian heaven, coughing and wheezing with delectation.
ReplyDeleteIn my joyous coffee frenzy, I began rubbing the rich, aromatic Colombian blend all over my body, rapturously writhing in coffee ecstasy. Then I dived face-first into the rich robust black mountain of coffee I’d made on the floor and began rolling and flailing with bliss in my newly created meadow of glorious fragrant coffee. I then began making ‘coffee angels’ in the delicious freshly ground Colombian roast as I blew plumes of coffee dust into the air, giggling with rapture as a mist of pulverized black happiness rained back down on me. ‘This must be what heaven is like!’ I thought blissfully.. or did I say that out loud? No matter.
ReplyDeleteSuddenly, I was struck with a gleaming flash of inspiration! I could buy coffee by 50 lb bags and fill my bathtub with it; making a thick, heavenly paste in which to bask! And as a bonus….
I jumped up and ran to the checkout line. ‘I want to buy all the fresh-ground coffee you have!’
It came to $8,532.12 which I charged to my credit card. I couldn’t carry it all, so, thinking quickly, I ran outside where I spotted a hobo pushing a shopping cart. I immediately ran to him, leaving puffs of coffee powder in the air with each step, and overturned his cart. He began to protest loudly and drunkenly but I assured him that it was for a very good cause. With my newly acquired shopping cart, I rushed back to my coffee treasure and loaded it into the cart. Blissfully, I pushed the cart full of rich, robust Colombian blend down the street toward my car as the lopsided cart made a loud yet somehow musical bumpity-scrape, bumpity-scrape sound all the way. I loaded my ‘black gold’ into the trunk of my Prius , still creating aromatic puffs of coffee with every step.. not unlike Pigpen from Charlie Brown.. only rich and aromatic instead of just dirty…. Then I jumped into my car and sped home.
This time, instead of pulling into my usual parking spot, I backed through the gate to the swimming pool, popped the trunk of my car and began dumping one bag after another into the swimming pool! Yes! I was going to turn the swimming pool into a gigantic espresso!!
Unfortunately, there were other tenants swimming in the pool at the time and initially they didn’t appreciate the grandeur of my actions.
‘You’ll thank me for this later!’ I assured them as I resisted the urge to jump in immediately before I even had a chance to finish my wondrous work. Juan Valdez will be so very proud!
Just then, to my amazement, Juan Valdez appeared to me in a vision.
ReplyDelete"Chartreusia, you have not done robustly before me! You have mixed rich Columbian blend with water unworthy of even cheap coffee! That much chlorine and quite likely, human urine, will ruin the satisfaction! The permeation of this act angers me!" He was before me surrounded by a warm, glowing, golden light, coming apparently from a celestial kitchen window, with a family sitting around a kitchen table, drinking steamy, rich, aromatic coffee.
"Juan Valdez! Forgive your unworthy servant of my lack of robust behavior!"
"You are forgiven. Continue on the path of robust flavor and steamy, warm Columbian blend! Do not again mix coffee with swimming pool water!"
Then the Robust One disappeared in a cloud of steam and I came again to my senses. I stopped myself in the midst of pouring a fifth bag into the unworthy pool. I embraced the blessed bag of freshly ground Colombian richness, ashamed that I had desecrated the sacred beverage of Juan Valdez.
ReplyDeleteI reverently placed the bag back in the trunk with the remaining seventeen bags of rich, robust deliciousness. I then turned to the other tenants in the pool.
“Enjoy the fresh, rich, aromatic blend of Colombian flavorfulness, with regards from myself and blessings from Juan Valdez!”
Then sheepishly, I got back into my car, drove around and backed into my usual parking spot. Then, ever so contritely, I carried my sacred treasure into my apartment and laid them on the kitchen counter, one after another, in a magnificent mound of rich robustness, like an offering on an altar to robust richness.
I knew I had not acted robustly before Juan Valdez and needed to atone for my robustlessness.
“Juan Valdez!!” I cried out. “Guide me, oh Robust One!”
The room started to shake.. or so I thought. It was just the neighbor pounding on the wall again.
I needed time to think, so I scooped a cup of rich robust colombian blend from the open bag, grabbed a spoon and sat down to enjoy the richness as I pondered my next course of action. My robustlessness would have to be atoned for... but how?
ReplyDeleteAs I sat, chewing the flavorful goodness of rich, freshly ground Colombian roast, it suddenly came to me.
ReplyDelete"Ah HA!!' I cried, rich robust colombian coffee forming a magnificent cloud of flavorful-ness in the air before me.
I took one of the 50 lb bags of fresh rich colombian roast, poured as much as would fit into a large mixing bowl and began mixing it with Evian water.. surely the Robust One would be pleased! I added just enough of the ridiculously expensive spring water to make a thick paste; and then I began to build a sculpture of Juan Valdez himself!
I finally finished my sculpture, certain the Robust one would be pleased with my offering. Then I went to work brewing 43 gallons of rich, robust Colombian blend and filled my gigantic whirlpool bathtub with rich, steaming espresso.
ReplyDeleteOnce it was filled, I settled into my espresso bath so it could permeate every orifice of my being. I sank into the tub till the warm, fresh rich, robust beverage closed over my head. I blew joyful bubbles into my espresso bath as the richness permeated every fiber of my being; soaking through my pores, reverberating through my ears. The world turned a rich, robust shade of brown as I opened my eyes to take in the magesty of Colombian espresso. I swallowed one gulp after another, but it still wasn't enough, then I inhaled deeply, allowing the fresh, warm, rich blend of Colombian roast to fill my very being, permeating my nose, washing past my nose hairs, which again bristled with delight at the flavorful robustness and filling my lungs...
That was the last thing I remembered before waking up in the intensive care unit, dyed a warm, fresh, rich shade of coffee brown and smelling very much like a thick, rich cup of colombian espresso... awesome... so very very awesome.
I found the nurse call button and pushed it to summon assistance. Shortly, two nurses and a doctor were at my side.
"You had a pretty close call there." the doctor smiled down at me as she placed an ice-cold stethescope on my chest. "You're lucky your neighbor found you or you woulda been a goner."
'My neighbor?' I thought. 'What neighbor..?' Then I remembered. I had turned up the Colombian folk music to 85 decibels to drown out my neighbor's pounding on the wall. He must have broken down the door to beat the crap out of me and found me in the tub. I'll have to send him a bag of Colombian blend to thank him.
"Hey" I gurgled through my espresso-filled lungs. "Where can I get a cup of coffee?"
"Wanna hear about my near-death experience?" I asked?
ReplyDelete"Uh... sure."
"I felt the rich, warm unconditional robustness of The Robust One! As I flew, arms flailing, through the aromatic tunnel, I saw in the distance a kitchen window of golden celestial light."
"Wow, that's awesome."
"I crashed through the kitchen window and onto the table, startling a clearly deceased family each enjoying rich Columbian blend. The father said serenely, 'Juan Valdez awaits you.' and gestured toward a cloud of steam that gradually transformed into Juan Valdez."
"I would like for you to speak to one of our special doctors. I think he might be very interested in your story." he left before I could finish the rest.
"...So you see, Dr. that's how I started the Church of Juan Valdez, but I don't expect you to believe my story. Everyone must find out in his own way whether this church is the most robust of all churches."
ReplyDelete